Anxiety and Panic Attacks

From the experiences I have had in the past, 20 months, I have learned quite a lot about the subject(s). I am a survivor of the illness, and battle with it daily. I have researched the topics, have wrote about them and have discussions with other people who have experienced dealing with anxiety and panic attacks.

Those who have panic attacks go through life dreading the time and where their next panic attack will occure. It could be at work, driving their car, going to a hair cut, walking through Walmart....Simple everyday tasks become a challege to those who live with this "disease." I have dealth with this anxiety since I was at least seven or eight years old, and my experience is simply minor compared to others.

Millions suffer every year with anxiety. Anxiety equal stress. Everyone experiences stress in their lives daily. A man may stress out a little when he wakes up and finds that he forgot to set his alarm on a Monday morning, therefore, he has slept in and may be late for work. His pulse quickens, his head may begin to hurt, but once he makes it into work he is fine. The stress stops. People who suffer with high anxiety, also knows as GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) this experience may seem like the end of the world.

Another man on the other side of town may wake up in the same situation. His heart will begin to race frantically, he will quickly debate on whether to take a shower or not, and while he is getting dressed and skipping the shower, he will worry that he should shower for work. On his way out the door he may begin to worry about what his coworkers or boss will say. Even once he is there, he will constantly worry and stress over being called into a private meeting with his boss about why he was late. Even though this may not happen to him at all, and there is no possibility of it happening, he will worry all day about it, and also worry well into the night and for weeks to come. He will worry about working harder to get to work sooner, constantly look and make sure for weeks or months at a time to make sure the alarm is set.

For some people with GAD this may not happen, but this is seriously what I will do, and have done in the past to make up for my mistakes in life.

Even when I sit down and realize I am being "ridiculous" and say "Man, Sam, you are acting really pathetic right now!" it is hard for me to calm down off my anxiety, which will result in a panic attack sometimes.

My anxiety started when I was in the first grade. I remember being in the lunch room trying to eat lunch, and all of a sudden I felt like I was going to vomit everywhere. I was told to stand by a trash can in the gym in front of everyone just in case I would get sick. I remember this happening a few times, and I was eventually taken to the doctor, who said I needed a sensitive diet. I remember eating in the school office one day because I was so nervous and felt sick again. What caused this was because of all the noise and the students around me. I couldn't focus on my food, and when they would talk loudly it just made me feel worse.

In junior high I do not remember having a lot of anxiety issues. I remember being quiet and distant from many. The anxiety was not so bad during these two years of my life. I remember having some wave of panics some days when I would become upset over a bad math grade (my worst subject) and I remember crying in the bathroom over it one day.

In high school my anxiety symptoms grew worse. Although at the time I did not know it was anxiety. I began becoming more upset over little things. I was constantly on edge around the students in the school. Once again in lunch I became anxious around the large group of people, and even my friends did not help sometimes. I felt myself shaking or feelind dizzy, and even when I closed myself I felt like my body just wanted to break down and cry. By the time I was a sophomore I noticed myself shaking more as the day would go on in school. I began to count down the hours, the minutes, the seconds until the bell ran and I could go home. Once I was in my room I felt fine, and I even wondered what was wrong with me while I was at school.

My anxiety was so bad that the three days before my graduation of high school I had no appetite and my stomach continued to bother me. I even kept fearing that I would suddenly get dizzy again and I would panic like I would, and wish to go to a quiet place to feel better. Thankfully, I made it through graduation with smiles. But, those three days and the two hour long graduation ceremony I was on edge. Up until I stepped outside in the June air did I feel any sense of relief.

After I graduated from high school I spent the summer working in an office at my college. During the three hours I worked in that office I felt like I wanted to scream but could not. Walking into that office I shook from head to toe, and I once again was counting the minutes when I would be able to leave there at 2 pm. Sometimes I did not get out of there until later, and the longer I was there my anxiety increased. The person who controlled my job made me completely nervous. She admitted to me that she was bipolar and that I did understand, and she was on medication for this. Day in and day out I would worry about her being snappy at me or making a comment. I was constantly preparing myself for being scolded for doing something wrong. I am a people pleaser, and working in this office I felt like I could do nothing right. Looking back at it today I do not blame the woman or myself for having such a hard time with the job: I do blame the anxiety I was having throug this whole experience.

The anxiety really impacted me when I went to work for the job I currently hold. I remember the first day I worked, orientation, I was a total basket case. The girl I was training with I had known growing up. We went to the same elementary school together, her older sister was (and still is) one of my best friends. Because she did not have a car I picked her up and drove her to work and we also left together the first few times we worked together. She was nervous, and admitted it, but her nervousness was what many would consider "normal."

My first day I felt like I was going to vomit everywhere. I was shaking so badly that I was holding onto the side of one of the storage racks that are in the back. The person that calmed me down was Matt. He and I graduated together, but we never talked in high school. He was a bandzy, and I kept to myself. I knew he was, he knew who I was, and that was it. He made jokes, showed Candace and I how to make sandwiches and just made us both laugh. I calmed and relaxed.

A few days later I remember feeling my chest tightening up. I remember feeling dizzy, and I felt if I took a few more steps I would fall apart. I had to go to the back and take a drink and relax myself before I could continue to work. Even after that, the following two hours was hell to make it through.

I continued to have these attacks there and it grew worse. I was crying for over an hour one day, had showed up in the middle of having a panic attack. I had been antsy all day, felt odd, and then when I was heading to work I was stuck in construction traffic for over ten minutes. The whole time I felt like I was going to die.

After having a panic attack about once every week or two weeks, by the end of that summer I finally decided it was time to see a doctor about what I was experiencing. I first talked to a friend of mine who was on medication for anxiety, and she referred me to the school counselor. After an hour of talking, crying and shaking, Tracy referred me to the doctor on campus who specialized more-so in anxiety and depression medication.

I was prescribed Lexipro. The first 4 days I was on it I was nausiated, but eventually that side affect went away. After a week or two on the medication I was waking up in the middle of the night over and over again. The doctor told me my medication was not strong enough so she doubled my dose. A week later I was fine. I felt happy, I was not constantly worried over anything and everything. I stressed when there was actually something to be stressed about.

How I have come to understand my diagnoses was because I have a long history of having panic attacks. Also, anxiety does run in my family. My father has panic attacks himself, but he has learned to control it without medication. Also, chemical embalances in the brain can affect how a person reacts. My chemicals were not balanced and the Lexipro balanced me out. I was happier, felt healthier and like I could not be stopped from being happy.

I could go to Walmart without worrying that I was going to panic because there was a long line of people at the registers. I could go get a hair cut without having a panic attack for no apparent reason in the middle of the lady cutting my hair. I was able to feel comfortable driving on the interstate short distances and by myself which I never felt comfortable doing before. I was 21 years old before I was driving on the interstate alone without someone beside me keeping me company and keeping my mind off my stress. I felt great!

After being on the medication and talking to the doctor about a long term prescription I told her I noticed I had less headaches than I use to have. I had a headache what seemed like everyday or every other day, which was all caused from stress. I didn't feel urges to vomit or run to the bathroom, nor was I irritable or felt dizzy. My fatigue slowly vanished.

Today I have tried to stop taking the Lexipro. I am not addicted to the drug. I stopped taking it for two months, and then slowly I started realizing that my headaches and tension were coming more and more again. One day I sat in class about to take a simple test and I suddenly had this urge to vomit again. Once I calmed myself in the bathroom for five minutes I went and completed my test and felt just fine. When I went home I immediatly started taking my prescription again.

After another two months I stopped taking it again, and up until here in the past month or so my anxiety was low. Here recently I have been experiencing waves of panic, sadness and muscle tension. My headaches are not there like they use to be, but when I do have one it's close to migrain levels. I feel the panic and when I do it starts in my chest. I try to ignore it. Most of the time here lately I have been successful.

Mind over matter here lately is where I have been at. When I explain some of my "issues" to people I have come to find they have experienced similar experiences before. Some have not and do not understand it. I have to keep an open mind to people that do not and have not experienced this or seen people have panic attacks.

The woman that I worked for in the office asked me one day how I was doing and we slowly grew into discussion about panic attacks and medication. She had started experiencing panic attacks and anxiety growing and told me about how she had to pull over on the interstate in Columbus because she thought she was dying. At the hospital the nurse told her to shake it off but she could not. She eventually went into a quiet room and soon later was fine. She told me that over the years she has seen people have similar attacks, and never understood them herself, not until she had to experience one and was continuing to experience them.

I have told many that once you experience these types of attacks do you understand what those who have to suffer with GAD and Anxiety go through on a day to day basis. Some people do seek medical attention and receive medication the way I did, and some use counseling and theropy to deal with their Anxiety and GAD.

After I started taking the medication and feeling great, I realized what I lost out on because of my discomfort. I didn't go to parties I was invited to. I went to Walmart at night when the crowd was less of an issue. I hated to shop long hours for clothes and gifts because I was always afraid of having a panic attack. I wish I had started taking medication long before I did.

I know not everyone will understand what I am trying to communicate. I know that some may understand the "disease" more, or may think that those who suffer with it are seriously crazy. Believe me, I do think I am crazy or act crazy sometimes. I hate when I think or feel that way because it does make me feel down upon myself. I do hope that some day I can look back on this post and realize what I experienced many years before and just thank God that I no longer have to experience the "unnatural" affects of GAD and Anxiety.